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Everybody rolled at least one. Except Andrew.

lyrics

I Put My Low Stat
© 2007 by Mary Crowell
I put my low stat in charisma.
‘Don’t have no sex appeal.
I want to play the fighter,
So I can maim and kill.
‘Live like a monk,
‘Cause I’m no hunk.
Baby, what’s the deal?
I put my low stat in charisma.

I put my low stat in my wisdom.
I think I’ll play the thief.
Got a lot of skill points;
They bring me no relief.
I failed my save --
Charm Person’s slave.
Now I’ve come to grief.
I put my low stat in my wisdom.

I put my low stat in -- can’t spell it.
But, I think it means you’re smart.
I rolled up a barbarian,
And he’s a work of art.
Don’t call him ‘clown.’
He’ll hold you down,
And on your head he’ll fart.
I put my low stat in -- can’t spell it.

I put my low stat in dexterity.
I’ll play an armored priest.
When we all roll initiative
I always have the least.
‘Can’t save at all
Against fireball.
Now I am deceased.
I put my low stat in dexterity.

I put my low stat in my strength score,
And I can’t hit a thing.
I thought I might just be okay
If I had magic bling.
No vorpal sword,
And god, I’m bored!
I miss on every swing!
I put my low stat in my strength score.

[Syncopated vamp to prepare]

I put my low stat in constitution.
Now I’m always sad.
I usually go unconscious,
Which makes the cleric mad.
My blood won’t clot;
‘Got mummy rot;
‘ Eyesight’s really bad.
I put my low stat in constitution.

I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.
It’s only seventeen.
I wonder why the other guys
Have started turning green.
You think they’d be
So glad for me.
Instead they’re really mean!
I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.

I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.
‘Think all the rolls were shit.
My dungeon master thinks it’s fun
To irk me just a bit.
“No class will work,”
I told the jerk.
“Well, you could always quit!”
I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.
[Spoken] I know where YOU can stick that low stat!

credits

from Acolytes of the Machine & Other Gaming Stories, released October 1, 2012
I Put My Low Stat
Mary Crowell - vocals, accordion, clarinet
Jeff Bohnhoff - electric guitar, electric bass, drum programming
Maya Bohnhoff - backing vocals
Sunnie Larsen - violin

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about

Mary Crowell Athens, Alabama

Mary Crowell is a singer/songwriter and piano teacher who loves mythology and playing Dungeons & Dragons.
She may be seen at science fiction and filk conventions performing and accompanying concerts on piano and occasionally clarinet.
Scattering Seeds on the Pomegranate Tour is her third solo album and is a mythic musical journey!
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