Get all 11 Mary Crowell releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Mary Crowell's Patreon: Year Six, Mary Crowell's Patreon: Year Five, I Have Missed You at My Table, Mary Crowell's Patreon: Year Four, Mary Crowell's Patreon: Year Three, Mary Crowell's Patreon: Year Two, Mary Crowell's Patreon: Year One, Scattering Seeds on the Pomegranate Tour, and 3 more.
1. |
Agatha Crane
03:18
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Agatha Crane
(Copyright 2017 by Mary C Crowell)
Agatha Crane is going insane
As she wanders a mansion of madness.
The kitchen walls bleed, and all the halls lead
To a dimension of horror and sadness.
She sometimes gets scared as she wanders the lair
Of an eccentric who's living in Innsmouth.
As a mob outside swarms, our lady informs
,
"We'll need daggers to chop off their fins with."
Chorus:
Agatha is brave and wise until she hears the Eldritch cries
Of cultists. How the Dagon priest chants of deep ones now released!
Or Shoggoth wanders from the sea and warbles Tekelili-li.
Oh bring back, bring back, bring back Cthulhu to me to me
Oh pour Miss Crane a pot of tea.
The butler on staff gives a terrified laugh
Before blithely removing his eyeballs.
Singing begins, making worldly veils thin.
No fences will save them or high walls.
Chorus
Agatha Crane is going insane
As she wanders a mansion of madness.
The kitchen walls bleed, and all the halls lead
To a dimension of horror and sadness.
Agatha Crane is wracking her brain
To turn all her horror to clues.
She'll play it by ear and conquer her fear
And pray that her mind will not unglue.
Oh bring back, bring back, bring back Cthulhu to me to me
Oh pour Miss Crane a pot of tea.
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2. |
Mama's Dice Lament
04:34
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Mama’s Dice Lament
(Copyright 2016 by Mary C Crowell)
Chorus:
Don’t tell Mama that I had to borrow her dice.
If she told us once about that,
Well you know she told us twice.
“When you let other people use them,
“They will find ways to lose and abuse them.
“And it’s gotten hard to excuse them,
“So just don’t let them borrow my dice.”
That’s her favorite twenty sider; it sparkles and all
Replaced the one in blue. It made her acrobat fall.
There’s a couple of percentiles let her make her god call,
And she keeps them in a velvet drawstring bag.
See those four cubes rolling sixes on her sneak attack
She stole that one from Robert. (She ain’t giving it back.)
If she’s missing even one, she’s aware of the lack.
And she hides them in a velvet drawstring bag.
Chorus
There’s the octahedron rolling eights for cure light to heal
Icosahedrons loudly rolling carved in marble and steel.
Red and yellow foamy dice made to squeeze and to feel
And she holds them in a velvet drawstring bag.
Chorus
And the one with faded crayon numbers she never rolls
It killed her fighter mage in a cave with some gnolls.
Her dice will often fail her though she pleads and cajoles,
Still she keeps them in a velvet drawstring bag.
Chorus
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3. |
What's the DM Gonna Do?
05:26
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What’s the DM Gonna Do?
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
What’s the DM gonna do when half the players show?
“Sure I guess it’s fine,” they say. But if you really want to know.
It’s gonna need a rewrite or the players here will die.
I stayed up all night to make this game right
And here’s the thing: I’m gonna try.
I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try.
I’ll have some coffee—then I’ll drink more of the same.
The mighty bitey bean—-will save my game.
It may be black or maybe with cream
I’ll need to change the sorcerer’s dream.
The cleric has the flu today—the halfling’s gone away.
What’s the DM gonna do when half the players show?
“Sure I guess it’s fine,” they say. But if you really want to know.
It’s gonna need a rewrite or the players here will die.
I stayed up all night to make this game right
And here’s the thing: I’m gonna try.
I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try.
I’ll have some coffee—then I’ll know just what to do
The mighty bitey bean is adventure’s bestest brew
I’d drink it cold though then it tastes vile
We replaced the druid and her strong crocodile
With this tame NPC that I just named Lyle.
When did planning games become such a trial?
The no-show rogue has all their cash. My plot line’s in the trash.
What’s the DM gonna do when half the players show?
“Sure I guess it’s fine,” they say. But if you really want to know.
It’s gonna need a rewrite or the players here will die.
I stayed up all night to make this game right
And here’s the thing: I’m gonna try.
I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try.
I’ll have some coffee—then I’ll drink and drink some more.
The mighty bitey bean will remind me what the dice are for.
The fighter will be fighting a duel.
The bard can heal, so I will be cruel.
The mage can Skype our session from school.
She’s my kid so that might make it cool.
The ranger has a thing at eight—it’s probably a date.
What’s the DM gonna do when half the players show?
“Sure I guess it’s fine,” they say. But if you really want to know.
It’s gonna need a rewrite or the players here will die.
It’s gonna need a rewrite or the players here will die.
It’s gonna need a rewrite or the players here will die.
I stayed up all night to make this game right.
And here’s the thing: They’re gonna die!
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4. |
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When I Was a Little Rat (Full Company)
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
When I was a little rat
My uncles told me
You’ll sail the seas for the Screavy’s, Our Niece.
You are a little rat
But brave as can be. Here’s
Silver for easing your grieving, Our Niece.
Chorus:
We are sailing
Each with a story inside
Oceans, secrets,
All have something to hide.
There is a little ring
It hides our first mate (from)
devils who threaten his Father (their king)
He lost that little thing
And troubles await
Getting it back is a bother.
There is a little gnome
They do as he bids
Some fear compassion's forsaken (It is.)
He’s got an octopus
Don’t call it a squid!
But it kept us safe from the kraken (It did.)
Sometimes they call him mad
The anchors aweigh
The ship setting off with its haul
Vincent will giggle then
And Squiggles will say
that he’ll show them. He’ll show them all!
Chorus
The gambler is dealing cards,
He’s more than a bard
Someday he’ll lose his last penny.
He’s just a little scared
‘Cause destiny’s hard
He’ll serve the Deck of the Many.
Here is a lovely mast
As tall as can be
The tree for a dryad to live in.
The druid that loved her best
Impressed and at sea
How good is she at forgiving?
Chorus
The ranger’s a princely sort
With almost a twin
That sent him to sail as fresh meat (in his place.)
He’s never going home
No never again
His brother is wearing his face.
Serving my Shifty Lord
This rat knows her task
I’ll sail the seas—for the Screavy’s, I roam.
I’ve got my little sword
And here is my mask!
Such silver to trade with the greedy for home.
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5. |
Evil Dice Tango
06:45
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Evil Dice Tango
(Copyright 2019 Words by Ian Badcoe and Mary C Crowell, Copyright 2019 Music by Mary C Crowell)
I remember my first character with some affection,
a bar-fighting barbarian--he’d no discretion--
in a brawl he could throw your paladin in any direction
and I was feeling pretty good about his progression
until we met the goblin with the stick.
The goblin was quite gobby and got right in my face
he called me unprofessional which wasn’t the case
I unlimbered my broadsword to put him in his place
I won initiative and swung with natural grace
and then I rolled a one and broke my leg.
Chorus:
Evil dice, I've got, evil dice!
They like to kill me my characters , it's not very nice...
There's no way I can fight them,
they can always devise
some way to turn the tables
and throw a surprise
disaster in the face of victory.
So then I tried a half-elven assassin
all slender blades and vials of poison but classy
with the dealing death and not averse to passing
witty remarks over a body she’d been recently outclassing
and then she tried to sneak out past the guards.
I was making checks for hiding and stealth
she was smirking in a shadow, couldn’t help herself,
and then I rolled a one and brushed up slightly ‘gainst a shelf
of armour that went crashing on the floor and by itself
a helmet went bouncing down the stairs
[ clang, clang, clatter, bash...sad. ]
Chorus
Then I thought I’d dabble in the arcane,
gather some eldritch power and go insane,
made a necromancer, used the power of his brain
and summoned shambling things that shouldn’t come into this plane.
I made him cool, and austere, he’d treat the living with disdain.
So when we came to our climactic fight.
I was nowhere near the front, it was delightful
to be sending zombies down the room to flank them on the right,
when I threw a one, but only stumbled slightly,
threw one again, trod on my robe and sprawled
into my own magic circle ....
Chorus X2
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6. |
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The Xbox Makes You Antisocial
(Copyright 2010 by Lilium Crowell and Mary C Crowell)
The Xbox makes you antisocial.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
The cell phone makes you think that you’re being social.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
The dryer lint makes you think you are creative.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Chorus:
All these things fool you into thinking
You’re very . . . very. . . copacetic.
Your job makes you think that you are contributing.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Verse
Your cubicle makes you think you are important.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Computer makes you think that you are connected.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
The internet makes you feel you are informed.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Chorus
Bridge
Social technology is making a fool of me!
Your bank makes you think that you’ve got it covered.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Texting makes you think that you are a writer.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Recycling makes you think you’ll save the world.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Chorus (Variant):
Then there’s a bridge – that bridge is to nowhere.
Aha, Aha. Aha, Aha.
Social technology
Has made a fool out of me.
Social technology
Has made a fool out of me.
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7. |
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Runner Five (Album Version)
(Copyright 2014 by Mary C Crowell)
Almost done with Season One, next mission on the list!
Nothing interrupts the run: on that I do insist.
I fiddle with my earbuds; check the laces on my shoe.
I need another gear to get my farm to level two.
For Abel I’ve been running—Abel Township, that’s the place.
Find supplies and get resources, ‘cause I’m building up my base.
My pace is getting faster as I run most ev’ry day,
Listening to the runners getting bitten, going gray.
Chorus:
I’m Runner Five. I am staying alive,
So my town can survive.
I can run, so I run for my Abel.
Running and running for Abel Town.
Faster so zombies won’t chase me down
Running and running for Abel Town.
My helicopter crashed right outside of Abel Town.
A rocket launcher shot it—brought my transportation down.
And worse it fell a place where flights of zombies like to roam.
A zombie Runner Five named Alice chased me to my home.
I’m wearing her old number with her backpack on my back
Listening on the radio to Eugene and to Jack.
Apocalypse is recent. There are sports bras to be found,
Chipotle apps, and ammo lying thick upon the ground.
Chorus
I’ve cried with Doctor Myers, and I might be sweet on Sam.
That Runner Eight won’t trust me, but I do not give a damn.
I’m useful for the intel and supplies that I can bring.
As Runner Five I listen, but I never say a thing.
And I really hope that Jodi (Runner Four) will get to live.
She likes knitting, and she’s careful. Her death, I won’t forgive,
But runners do get bitten. There’s a cough and then a moan.
A cure for going gray is alas, a thing unknown.
Chorus
Bridge:
I’m not ready to die—
Hope is in good supply;
On my missions I fly;
We need food on the table.
And I’m Runner Five;
There is no doubt that I’ve
Got the heart and the drive
I run fast, for my Abel.
Faster so zombies won’t chase me down
Running and running for Abel Town.
There are many Runner Fives avoiding zombies while they run,
Many of them geeks like me discovered that it’s fun.
It’s cool to check your numbers, see your route upon the map.
I might be just a little bit addicted to this app.
Chorus
Faster so zombies won’t chase me down
Running and running and running and running for Abel Town!
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8. |
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I Have Missed You at My Table
(Copyright 2021 by Mary C Crowell)
I have missed you at my table
The dice have gathered dust.
The dice jail is uncovered—
If it weren’t plastic, there’d be rust.
Our meetings have been all online
Court dates, weddings too
I miss the scent of dry erase
And playing games with you.
Chorus:
Whoooooah! Gaming in person!
Whoooooah! Gaming a lot!
Whoooooah! Here’s to conventions
And being in one spot.
So while I wait through quarantine
And impatiently I pace,
I’m grateful for technology
That lets me see your face.
Although our bubbles haven’t merged,
Trust me I’m still your friend.
And when pandemic’s over
We will surely toast its end.
Chorus
I realize we are not quite there
I haven’t booked my stay.
That lovely day is coming
And darling we will play!
Til then let’s be quite careful, Dear.
Too soon to roll the dice.
We can do it virtually
And that will be still be nice.
But one day . . .
Chorus
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9. |
Hat of Disguise
02:53
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Hat of Disguise
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
Chorus:
Hat of disguise, hat of disguise!
I can look like an angel
Or the mother of lies.
The guard hasn’t made me, but poor thing he tries.
I’m over here laughing in my hat of disguise.
Chapeaus and bowlers. Oh! I do adora
Stetson and a watch chain for Saint James.
For robbing folks some people like to wear fedoras.
But, it’s hard to earn a livin’
With this partner I’ve been given.
His fashion sense can’t win him acclaims.
Chorus
[Fiddle Chorus]
I tap the hat three times. My face and clothing
will change and rearrange but just the look.
My face will make you smile or feel full of loathing.
It cannot change me really.
If you smell me or you feel me
You’ll find I’m just a silly old crook.
Chorus
I’m working here to make a little money.
Hope we all remember our lines.
That guard who took the bribe is behaving so funny.
I’ve gotten good at acting.
Let’s hope I can be tactful
And slip a little thing in his wine.
Chorus X2
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10. |
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The Tiniest Bit of the Powder
(Copyright 2017 by Mary C Crowell)
Albina and Molly
Ella and Grace
In Orange, New Jersey
You worked in the place—
The factory on Third Street
With beautiful paint.
You mixed it up daily
With not one complaint
And painted the trays full of dials.
The tiniest bit of the powder
Mixed with the water and gum,
You girls lipped your brushes to point them,
And happily chatted with chums.
Chorus:
Radium Girls
There are stories about you
Radium girls
Your beautiful glow
Radium Girls
Your bones were too fragile
Radium Girls
Your Dials in a row
Bridge:
Orange, New Jersey and
Ottawa, Illinois
Catherine and Charlotte and
Olive and Pearl
The Radium Dial
Where the luckiest of girls
Got jobs in the cleanest,
most healthful of work.
And playing with paint
Was your favorite perk
The ‘ghost girls’ would glow like their dials.
The tiniest bit of the powder
Would get in your clothes and your hair.
You could see it best in the darkness
How the dust would hang in the air.
Chorus
Sisters and cousins
All glowing at night
But in just a few years,
You weren’t feeling alright.
The dentists and doctors
were worried, confused
The company’s treasurers
flatly refused
To connect this with painting the dials.
The tiniest bit of the powder
Was safe as safe as could be,
But day after day of ingesting it
Some felt it first in the knees.
Bridge:
Molly had gotten a toothache
And then her condition got worse.
Her bones began aching then rotting
As if she were under a curse.
Chorus
After all they had said about radium
You girls were excited to be
Getting to work with that magic.
You glowed with delight we could see.
Chorus
Tag:
Radium Girls
Radium Girls
Radium Girls
Your dials in a row.
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11. |
Bump in the Cellar
02:48
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Bump in the Cellar
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
Bump went something in the cellar.
We went down there together.
A skitter above us
And then a slam
Does nobody love us
Or give a damn?
We’re trapped with something in the cellar.
We’re trapped down here all together.
We’re gamers and good ones
And here’s our dice
I understand once
You make it twice
Refrain One:
Bump— Bump— Bump in the cellar.
Bump Bump Bump Bump Bump in the cellar.
If I were the noise in the cellar (cellar)
I wouldn’t take us on when we’re together (uh uh)
Make us split up
'Cause then we're weak
I’d cook us for supper
Served up with leeks.
Why stalk the noise in the cellar (cellar)?
Party—get out XP together (Mm mm)
A skitter. It’s near us.
And then a roar.
I wish that it feared us
What’s a fighter for?
Refrain Two:
Bump—- Bump——
Went something in the cellar
Bump—- Bump——
We’ll handle it together!
We’ll need our cleric in the cellar (cellar)
Fights go better together. (Mm mm)
The tiles always run red
We rarely talk
To ochers and undead
That ooze or walk.
Bump does something in the cellar (cellar)
So we all message together (Mm mm)
A skitter. We found it!
And then our mage
Cast something and bound it.
It’s in a cage.
Refrain One:
Bump— Bump— Bump in the cellar.
Bump Bump Bump Bump Bump in the cellar.
Refrain Two:
Bump—- Bump——
Went something in the cellar
Bump—- Bump——
We’ll handle it together!
We’ve dealt with the noise in the cellar (cellar)
Should have never locked us down here together (uh uh)
A rogue and a lock-pick
A killing spree
Before the old clock ticks
We’re out and free.
Bump went something in the cellar.
Refrain Two: [X2]
Bump—- Bump——
Went something in the cellar
Bump—- Bump——
We’ll handle it together!
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12. |
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What Shall I Do With My Players
(Copyright 2017 by Mary C Crowell)
What Shall I Do with my players?
They all think they're powerful slayers.
They've slapped around all the things that they've found
Whether monsters or just nay sayers.
Now that their levels are epic,
Planning has made me dyspeptic
It's not enough just to make it more tough.
Sending them after more relics
How much flavor text should I put in?
How To make it feel fresh when they win?
These are the thoughts--in my brain they spin.
What Shall I Do with my players?
What Shall I Do at this session?
And here is my little confession.
Their butts in the chair mean that I have to care.
And that's thrown me into depression.
I worry that they all will grow bored
So I make up these sessions, and Oh lord--
The crazy shit they make up
themselves in that tale Is the part that goes well.
Players want entertainers
Who give them all loot and no-brainers.
Put them back in time or forward past their prime
Or hell, send them all extra planar.
What Shall I Do with my players?
They all think they're powerful slayers. (And they're right.)
They've slapped around all the things that they've found
Whether monsters or just nay sayers.
What Shall I Do with my Players?
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13. |
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When I Was a Little Rat (Vincent and Temple)
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
When I was a little rat
My uncles told me
You’ll sail the seas for the Screavy’s, Our Niece.
You are a little rat
But brave as can be. Here’s
Silver for easing your grieving, Our Niece.
Hiding my nature here
This rat knows her task
I’ll sail the seas—for the Screavy’s I roam!.
I’ve got my little sword
And here is my mask!
I’ve silver to trade with the greedy for home.
Chorus:
Chorus:
We are sailing
Each with a story inside
Oceans, secrets,
All have something to hide.
Vincent’s a little gnome
Gone ‘round the bend.
Some fear he’s mad and forsaken (He is.)
He’s such a little gnome
With an octopus friend.
But he kept us safe from the kraken (He did.)
Sometimes they call him mad
The anchors aweigh
The ship setting off with its haul (in the hold)
Vincent will giggle then
And Squiggles will say
that he’ll show them. He’ll show them all!
Chorus
One cold and foggy night
We had to explore
A ship all adrift—take its measure.
A shark ate our sailors up
And then what is more
A priest beat our skiff to the treasure.
We fought a little bit
But during the strife
The priest fired the ship, and we’re going. (away)
Vincent can summon things.
I’m good with a knife.
We’ll find a way to keep rowing. (today)
Chorus
That little octopus
Its eyes look so wise
I will keep silent about them (I will)
The gnome knows my nature now
But, we’ll tell the world lies
And none will have causes to doubt them. (for ill)
Serving my Shifty Lord
This rat knows her task
I’ll sail the seas—for the Screavy’s I roam!.
I have my little sword
Here is my mask.
Such silver to trade with the greedy for home.
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14. |
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Why Did You Roll Your Dice Like That?
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
Why did you roll your dice like that?
Why did you roll your eyes like that?
Everyone knows that’s how you get a one.
I’m just explaining how to have more fun.
It’s all in the wrist.
You just give it a twist.
Well, ignore that number I rolled.
I was not warmed up,
And the die hit a cup.
That rolling your eyes thing is getting old.
Why did you roll your dice like that?
Why did you roll your eyes like that?
Everyone knows that’s how you get a one.
Let the DiceMaster show you how it’s done.
You just pucker your lips
And you blow on the pips
Yeah, that only works on the cubes.
Icosahedrons are
The bigger challenge by far
And I don’t share that secret with
Newbs.
So, why did you roll your eyes like that?
And how did you roll a twenty that’s ‘Nat’?
Everyone knows that just uses up luck
And that’s my face that you hit when you
gave it a chuck.
Chorus Variant Three and ending:
Why did you roll your dice like that?
Why did you roll your eyes like that?
Everyone knows that’s how you get a one.
I’m just explaining
I’m just explaining
I’m just explaining how to have more fun.
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15. |
Truth on the Table
02:47
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Truth on the Table
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
I’m out of chips but I’ve got good dice.
I’ve set my truth on the table
I
f I lose it too, well I’m done anyway.
And I’ve accomplished the best that I’m able.
Sometimes we’ll share the jokes and the nuts,
But when we lose we’re alone.
I think this game’s not real for some
They're throwing sticks when the world rolls bones.
My bets for a tomorrow
Have been lately put on hold.
Instead of dice it’s been a shell game
Played with Midas.
And his gold
Has been killing all the good things
Breaking the bell before the truth rings.
I’m out of chips but I’ve got good dice.
I’ve set out my truth on the table
If I lose it too, well I’m done anyway.
I’ve accomplished the best that I’m able.
I’ll bet for tomorrow
I’m not gonna fold.
Let’s change up the rules. No more shell game
Look at Midas.
Who for all of his gold
Lost a game of life that all can play.
But what will happen? Who’s to say?
I’m grateful for the love of friends
I fear for all as to how this ends.
I’ve laid out the truth on the table
Hoping that we will enable
Hoping that we will enable
I’ve laid out my truth on the table
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16. |
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16. Why I Was Late (the Pony Song)
(Copyright 2019 by Mary C Crowell)
Halfling rogues are always late.
You hate waiting on us.
You tell us all to hurry up.
Complain about our slowness.
Chorus:
I know, I am late to the party.
I know, I am slow to the show down.
But I, I was hoping for a pony.
I know, we have got to get moving.
I know we have got a deadline.
But there’s, there’s no pony they can loan me.
Word has gotten around
There are no mules to be found.
You put one in the ground.
Last time . . .
And the time before that
And the time before that
And the time before that
Pony One was eaten up.
Pony two got fireballed
Pony three? He ran away
Found him in the dance hall.
Pony five fell in a pit
Next one was a kelpie.
Pony seven learned to talk
We heard them yelling, “Help me!”
[What about pony four?]
Chorus
[Fiddle Verse]
Every time we come back home
I am out of acid.
Holy water, everything.
Need my shopping basket.
Give me time for stocking up
Get some healing potions.
But the one thing I can’t seem to find?
Some form of locomotion.
Chorus
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Mary Crowell Athens, Alabama
Mary Crowell is a singer/songwriter and piano teacher who loves mythology and playing Dungeons & Dragons.
Her Patreon is
here: www.patreon.com/DrMaryCCrowell
She may be seen at science fiction and filk conventions performing and accompanying concerts on piano and occasionally clarinet.
Scattering Seeds on the Pomegranate Tour is her third solo album and is a mythic musical journey!
... more
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